Dit is het verhaal van Nadine. Zij beschrijft hoe ze opgroeide in het Apostolisch Genootschap in Perth, Australië. Het is geschreven in het Engels. Als je hier klikt, krijg je een door Google Translate vertaalde versie.
My name is Nadene and I was born into the Apostolic Society in 1976 in Perth, Australia. I left the community in 1994, on turning 18.
No response
Imagine sitting in a couples therapy session with your partner and finding you had no response to the therapist’s question “what do you need from your partner?”
That when you looked deep inside your self for an answer as to what you needed, you found that there was no answer there. Imagine that what you did find instead was a very small dark place and a deep feeling of fear and confusion.
And then imagine the fear you also felt, realising that you had no idea what you needed. No idea at all. And you had no idea why you were so afraid.
That is the situation I found myself in this year. Terrified by a normal question and unable to identify what I needed from my partner. Terrified by the same kind of question I ask my clients in my role as a clinical psychologist regularly.
Memories
Shortly after this difficult therapy session, I started experiencing strange memories from my childhood. Things I had long forgotten from when I was 3. Memories from when I was left with an Apostolic aunt for 6 weeks when my parents travelled to the Netherlands.
I became highly distressed. I was crying all the time, not sleeping, my chest and throat were tight and heavy and my eyelids started fluttering constantly. I would not allow my husband to support me and instead would spend time alone in a room.
I asked myself “Why am I acting like a person with childhood trauma?” As a clinical psychologist, I knew what I was seeing in myself. And it didn’t make sense. I had a good childhood, I was loved, I told myself as I have many times before.
Faith or Children?
After many weeks of living in a state of emotional crisis, I spoke with my brother about the memories and how I felt I was breaking apart. My brother made some comments about our parents and their commitment to their faith. He believed they cared more about serving their faith than they did about us, their children. His message was in stark contrast to the “my parents are very loving and supportive” story I had told to the couples therapist.
It was in this moment I decided to open a box I’d shut when I left the Apostolic Society at 18. Filled with fear, I asked to speak to a family member who had been heavily involved in the Apostolic society about our mutual faith history. To my surprise this person was happy to speak with me and asked if I would be interested in reading an article recently published about the Apostolic Society that might help me understand. I recognise now that my fear came from past experiences of not being allowed to say anything negative about the Apostolic faith.
Apostelkind
I cannot describe what it was like to read the article about Renske Doreenspleet and her book Apostelkind. 26 years ago, I shut a door on a controlling and confusing world. Here was Renske saying that she and thousands of other children had lived in this same world. And they had lived it thousands of miles away.
Reading the history of the Apostolic Society as an adult, the real story, not the controlled message I received as a child in youth circle, was an awakening moment.
I thought to myself . This is why I am experiencing symptoms of childhood trauma. This is why I can’t identify my needs. This is why I feel scared. I recognised that my strong belief that I had a loving childhood was the belief that had been instilled in me through Apostolic teachings, rather than my reality.
Grieving my childhood
Since this time I have been angry and sad. I have been grieving my childhood. Initially I was deeply ashamed about being raised in a cult and I was angry at myself for not knowing. How could I not realise this was not a normal faith? How could I be a successful professional person and a psychologist without knowing this? How could I not see the manipulation for what it was? I mean, asking children to call someone Oom Apostel?? It should have been obvious.
But I see now that in my world as a child, it was normal for me. I was born an Apostel child. My parents told me this was healthy and good and I accepted that as a condition of being their child, even though it never felt good to be in the community. It was also necessary for me to continue without questioning too much after I left at 18, in order to maintain our relationship.
No authentic relationship
I recognise now that I was robbed of an authentic relationship with my parents because of their commitment to Apostel Slok sr and Apostel Slok jnr. I had to live in a very contrived world with people who constantly made me feel squashed and voiceless. I recognise I have never thought my emotional needs matter, only that of others. I developed a tendency to be extremely self-critical for having needs, having flaws and making errors. I recognised that the problems I have with detachment and lack of trust for others socially came from my cult background. They were vital skills to survive indoctrination and the need for compliance but also somewhat taught as a member of a closed community, a community that didn’t want its children discussing the faith at school and in public.
Immersion in Apostolic Netherlands
I believe my parents travelled to the Netherlands when I was 3 with the encouragement of the Apostolic Society who were always trying to maintain connections between Perth and the Netherlands. It was always described as a holiday during which they “didn’t miss us at all”. The holiday involved staying with Apostolic people and immersion in Apostolic Netherlands. I could never make sense of why they would leave two children for so long when we were so young, my brother was a baby. It was 1979 and there was no way to keep in contact with us during that 6 weeks. It hurts me to this day when they say that they didn’t miss us during the trip. The enormity of my parents’ choice became clear to me when I became a mother and studied attachment relationships as a psychologist. I have since discovered that other families from the Perth community did the same. I sometimes wonder if the Apostel’s teachings about parent-child relationships and that we belonged to him somehow contributed to this choice my parents made.
Pressure
I am grateful the Perth community were never asked to return to Netherlands by Slok, like the Melbourne community featured in the Panorama articles. But at the same time I grieve not being able to have a free Australian childhood, with more relaxation, friendlier people and less rules. With people who didn’t care about whether you wore a dress or jeans. And who don’t make you sing songs and write things about the Apostel. Or make your Dad attend a service when he is on his holiday from work. Even if that meant attending a service in a caravan park. And people who wouldn’t have put pressure on you to keep your parents happy and continue the important work of the Apostel. The constant manipulation about keeping others happy is something I haven’t experienced since my time in the Apostolic community.
Grief
I grieve that my dad was at the building 6 days a week serving the Apostel, instead of being at home helping our mother with us. Love and family were important Apostolic beliefs, but which Apostolic family could commit enough time to that if at least one family were always at the building for one thing or another?
I grieve that every rule we had as children was related to the Apostel’s teachings. When he said things could change or be less strict, things changed or got less strict. I cannot separate how I was parented from the Apostel’s teachings. The Apostolic faith has tainted my entire childhood.
I grieve that I spent so much time in a building that with people that made me feel uncomfortable. I grieve that I was and still am supposed to feel grateful for this “loving” childhood.
I especially hated having to kiss and greet so many “brothers and sisters” each Sunday. These were not good boundaries. A child should not be encouraged to do so just because someone belonged to the same faith. A child doesn’t need that many aunties and uncles.
The Others
I grieve that I didn’t get my emotional needs met because of the Apostolic teachings. Apostolics believe only the good and happy should be emphasised. Normal human emotions such as anger, resentment and sadness are often invalidated in the Apostolic world. Also there is a strong focus on the other, so if you were upset as a child you would likely hear “think about how the other feels” instead of someone helping you with your feelings. You may be pushed to forgive before you are ready. Move on. These feelings aren’t good for you. Don’t think about it, be happy.
False Idol
I grieve that myself and many other children suffered for a false religion, a false idol. I had always believed the Apostolic faith was steeped in Dutch history and my destiny as a child born to Dutch parents in Australia, just as the way I saw Italian- Australian children raised as Catholics. But this wasn’t a traditional faith, it was the creation of one man, Lambertus Slok, who wanted power and glory. It was the church of Slok. We, the Apostel children, have suffered for him and all those who wanted him to have and keep that power.
I have contributed a written submission to the dialogue hearings. I felt it was necessary to do that to honour my younger self.
I am integrating being a cult survivor into my identity instead of denying it. For the first time, I am talking openly with my husband and friends about my childhood.
Hurting my parents
I note when I talk to ex-Apostolics I repeatedly hear the message “I feel bad about hurting my parents’ and Apostolic people’s feelings by saying these things about the Apostolic faith”. This is our cult training. This is the ongoing evidence of the way in which we were manipulated. It is not a coincidence that we all think this way.
I don’t know where my story ends. My husband will finally get to know all of me. I am hopeful that with long term individual therapy I will be able to recover from the unhelpful pattens I have as a result of being raised in a cult. I am hopeful I won’t spend the rest of my life “running on empty” the term coined by Dr Jonice Webb for people who experienced childhood emotional neglect.
Emotional Abuse
It shouldn’t have happened. No child should be emotionally abused in the name of love. No child should have the pressure of making the world a better place or to carry “the work” of a narcissistic cult leader into the future.
I deserved real love not Apostolic love. All Apostel children deserved better. It is my hope that the torch that represents the Apostolic work is put out in my life time. Only when the torch stops burning , will Lambertus Slok be stopped from harming others.
Thank you so much for sharing you story. I recognize so many things. It brings tears in my eyes. Well written.
Thanks Carolien. I am touched by your response
Nadene, when I read your story the emotions ‘loneliness’ and ‘grief’ immediately came to mind.
You are so right. These things never should have happened. There is no justification for the emotional abuse that took place. Never.
Thank you Ingeborg. We all deserved better
Thank you for sharing, Nadene. You describe it so well. That was the way it was. That is the impact it still has on our lives. I understand all the things you are grieving for. And I wish you find your way to deal with it. It is good to know you are not the only one, and at the same time it sad that we are so many.
Thanks Femke. Your guidance, as someone who is much further down the path, has been helping me a lot.
Thank you for sharing your story Nadene. It shouldn’t have happened. We now have to pick up the pieces and reconnect them as far as possible. Hopefully you can find a way to recharge your batteries. Childhood emotional neglect. That is what happened to us.
Martin, I agree. I’m working on filling the tank, so to speak. Thank you so much for your comment
Dankjewel Nadene voor het verwoorden van je levensverhaal. Het is zo herkenbaar voor mij. En zo duidelijk wat er niet goed was aan het Apostelkind zijn. Veel liefs voor jou
Dank je wel Quirine.
Thanks, Nadine. I recognize so much in your story. Enforced emotional neglect, yes. That’s for sure.
Thanks Jeanne. I appreciate your comment
Wat een indrukwekkend levensverhaal Nadine, dank voor het delen, je helpt mij en anderen ermee! Ik hoop dat de therapie je gaat helpen, heel veel sterkte en liefs!
Dank je well Hermi.
Your analyses are spot on, Nadene.
We were repressed and indoctrinated. Then they told us to shut up and show our happy face.
We had to endure everything de Apostel exposed us to without hesitation and without any form of criticism. We had to shut up and join everything that was expected from us and therefore spent every free minute we had in Het Gebouw.
It formed and defined our childhood and made us crippled adults.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.
Thanks Marion. It was a strange and sad world for a child to be raised in.
Thank you so much for telling your story Nadene. After all these years we finally understand what happend during our childhood. For me it’s such a relief.
Thank you. The acknowledgement of our past is painful yet relieving at the same time ❤️
Your story tells so much of things we also must do and feel. The fact that you are a professional psychologist, tells us that we were no stupid kids, but people with brains and knowledge. Manipulation overcame each of all. I hope we will all find our strength, now we are analyzing what happened to us in our youth.
Thanks Marjoloeine. No, we are not stupid. They did their best to keep us small to keep us in that Apostolic world. Now we can really be free
Oh Nadine, I thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us. It are not the experiences of only one person. I recognize so many things! Love!
Thank you Tineke. We are not alone in this experience, that’s for certain
Heel goed verwoord. Knap hoor. Er komt bij mij een uitspraak van Oprah Winfrey boven: “ik kan nu pas huilen om het kind, dat ik toen was.
De een heeft nog een wat langere weg te gaan, dan de ander. Maar, de mensen uit deze groep kunnen ook op zichzelf vertrouwen. Wij hadden wel de kracht en de moed, om er uit te stappen. Door deze moeilijke periode zijn we heen gekomen. Dan komen we door andere moeilijke periodes ook wel heen. Sterkte met je therapie. Daar kun je alles eruit snotteren.
Dank je wel Loes.
Ik bedoel natuurlijk kind en niet soort. En natuurlijk een langere weg ipv geen
Ja ik begrijp jouw bedoeling ?
Jouw verhaal voelt als mijn verhaal . Ik wil het herlezen. Het voelt als begrip en verwoordt mijn gevoelens
Thank you Paula ❤️
Dear Nadene, I took my time to read your story and to let it sink in. It is sorrowful and bitter to read what have happened to you. Struggling with “a tendency to be extremely self-critical for having needs, having flaws and making errors”. Having no response to questions what you need – and so much more. Sad and heartbreaking. I recognize a lot which – for me – equals ‘feeling ashamed’, because ‘I am not supposed to feel that way’. It is super good to read you’re getting help dealing with unhelpful patterns and getting more acquainted and more comfortable with your own needs. Maybe I need some therapy too in this regard. My heart is with you!
I appreciate this comment so much. I am glad my writing is opening up opportunities for others to heal these unhelpful patterns from their Apostolic past
Thank you Nadene for your heartfelt story!
Thank you for reading it Andre.
Dankjewel voor het schrijven en delen Nadene. Het is erg herkenbaar, pijnlijk herkenbaar soms en goed dat dit eindelijk in The open komt! ❣️
Het wordt tijd dat de beerput open en gereinigd wordt.
Thank you Suzanne. I agree it’s time to open the doors on the cesspool that is the Apostolic Society. I won’t keep their secrets for them anymore
Thank you for sharing your story. The start of your story really got to me…’what do you need’… we were never asked what we needed. We had to give and give and give… only thinking of the other.
And now it is our time… time to find out what we, ourselve, need…..
Yes it’s our time now. Thank you Gitta
Thanks Nadene for your true words! This is also my story and living in the Netherlands! My heart is crying since I read Apostelkind. There are less people in my surrounding who really understand me right now. Feels lonely.
It can feel like a lonely journey. I’m hoping that with the Facebook group you will find recognition and feel less alone
Heel herkenbaar, t niet leren voelen van je eigen emoties. Altijd paraat staan voor de ander en t positieve van alles blijven zien. Het kostte me 45 jaar om mezelf te worden en te voelen wat ik voel, te herkennen wat er bij mij gebeurt en pas op mijn tijd sorry te zeggen. En dat terwijl ik al ruim 20 jaar het genootschap achter me liet.
I’m glad you can finally be yourself after all this time Patricia
This all sounds so familiair, my heart hurts. For you, for myself, for all apostelkinderen. Even for the ones that do not know yet how brainwashed they really are and are still under the spell of this organization.
Take time to heal, sister. Not zuster. But sister, fellow-traveller, we heal together.
It’s very sad Moni. Thanks for reading and I wish you well in your recovery
Dankjewel Nadene, ondanks dat jouw verhaal in Australië speelt is het ook mijn verhaal. De herkenning doet me veel. Verdrietig dat je ouders je niet gemist hadden. Dat je dacht dat dit, net als het katholicisme, een erkend christelijk geloof uit Europa was trof me.
Dank je wel Esther. Ja, de waarheid doet pijn
#truthhurts
Thanks for sharing your story. So many memories come up with this, lots of feelings, and not “good” ones. Ones that our upbringing really didn’t teach us how to deal with properly, instead making us bury our truth to remain part of the group. I am angry and sad for the children we were and the loss of the people we were meant to be. I still have a long way to go to know myself and figure out what my needs are.
I am grateful though to finally wake up and see things for what they were. No more bullshit. ☺️
Love to you dear cousin ?
That’s right! No more bull shit and no more keeping their secrets and making everything seem “nice”. Thank you so much for this beautiful comments- you are and always have been the sweetest person ❤️
Hi Nadene,
I want to first thank you for sharing this. I am not from this faith, but I have dutch ancestry and I recognise some of the tools that my mother used in parenting me. And yes, I have PTSD from that. The more people are willing to share their pain like you do, the more people will find solace, and hopefully some healing in themselves.
I also want to say how brave you were (and are) for facing that fear and working through it. It must be so tough to realise things you never thought before and then realising how lacking in emotional validation your parents gave you. I see you as an amazing psychologist, and to be able to hold space for your clients, when you are still learning to hold space for yourself, shows how amazing you are as a human.
Thank you Allison ❤️ There is so much for me to take from your comment. If I can help more psychologists understand how indoctrination and toxic religions impact people, it will be worth it.
Your bravery in attuning to yourself so that you can identify what needs healing is to be applauded. I cannot imagine what that must have been like. I wish you well in your journey and I know this writing will not only be your catharsis but has the power to break the silence of others who have suffered in childhood cults too.
Thank you Meien. I had not realised the weight of my continued silence. I hope that it also frees others
Thank you so much for sharing! ❤️ I’m fully in tears now… how well you know to describe exactly the impact….. And I recognize a whole lot of my personal experience and feelings in your story …. Wish you all the strength to overcome…. It’s heavier than ‘expected’ ?
Thanks Anita.
Thank you so much the way you described it needs to be heard.
Thank you for reading Sterveling and leaving a comment.
lieve allemaal, als ik de reacties lees, daar word ik niet vrolijk van, zelf ben ik ook en apostel kind ben geboren op 25 oktober 1945, ben nu dus 77 jaar, heb gelukkig van die misstanden niet veel van kunnen merken, woonde destijds met mijn pleegmoeder en vader in Roden drenthe, wel heb ik en paar voorvallen bewust mee gemaakt, die ik nooit weer ben vergeten, op en avond we woonden nog maar en half jaar in Roden, stond s,avonds onze herder voor de deur, tijdens en gesprek met mijn ouders, vond hij het beter, om weer naar Groningen terug te keren, en proberen om een woning ruil aan te gaan, het argrument was dat het beter was om dicht bij de gemeenschap te blijven, en het was beter voor mijn geestelijke ontwikkeling, mijn vader is daar niet op ingegaan, wie zou die verhuizing dan gaan betalen, de herder in ieder geval niet, ik vond het als jongetje maar een dom idee HA HA, ik had hier mijn vriendjes, en er zijn nog en paar van die voor vallen geweest, dat ik en rit moest maken naar hoogeveen, er was en districhts vergadering, had 3 zusters in de auto, en dat waren heel wat km, voor mij was dat en flink bedrag aan benzine, was maar en gewone werkman, ben op maandag avond, voor de zangrepetitie naar de herder gegaan, de broeder vergadering was net afgelopen, ging naar hem toe en vroeg om een vergoeding voor de gereden km, zijn reactie was Ger dat moet je maar voor het werk over hebben, en ik kon gaan, de herder hield er wel meer van die vreemde dingen op na, maar dat heeft nu geen enkele zin meer om daar verder op in te gaan, heb mij nooit weer opgegeven, als vervoerder te fungeren, dat heb ik er wel van geleerd, want als te goed, is andermans gek, maar nogmaalszo als bovenstaande reacties staat vemeld, heb ik in dat opzicht, er geen trauma,s aan over gehouden, en trouwens als jongetje liet ik mij de wet niet voorschrijven, mijn ouders waren in die tijd heel soepel in hun apostolische zijn, en niet super apostolische, gelukkig maar, mocht op voetballen, maar dan wel op zaterdag, dat vond ik jammer, want de melkboer die was trainer bij roden zondag, had tegen mijn ouders gezegd hij had mij zien spelen, en dat ik snel en technische en een goed spel inzicht had, hij mij graag bij roden zondag zien spelen, maar die vliegerging niet op daar was ik eerst heel erg boos om, want jongens van school zaten er ook op, maar in ieder geval mijn geestelijke ontwikkeling is in mijn leven wel gegroeid HA HA
Ik hang helemaal geen religie aan maar ik heb (denk ik) wel een goed inlevingsvermogen. Ik heb het boek van Renske Doorenspleet ook gelezen en het is eigenlijk onbestaanbaar dat iemand als Slok zichzelf zo’n Goddelijke status aanmeet en daarmee voor veel mensen hun leven verpest.
Wat een buitengewone narcistisch figuur zeg.
Ik wens ieder die dit is overkomen toch een gelukkig leven toe.
Gerard
Wat een onzin. Zo kun je al je eigen frustraties en tekortkomingen op conto van anderen schuiven. Wordt volwassen en neem verantwoordelijkheid!